If you ask it of me, “Where have you been?”;
To report on the strangest beast I’ve ever seen.
Up on the Town Moor, a travelling machine,
Defied gravity without aid of legs or steam.
Is it animal, vegetable, mineral or metal?
This is the question they want me to settle.
Well it kicked and it snorted, it sweated, it farted;
With a noise to strike fear into the fainthearted.
The horse bore a rider, who clung to his back,
In the most bizarre garb, a real dandy jack.
His efforts were turning his face a bright red;
When I spoke to him afterwards, these words he said:
“This is the Northumberland Eagle Mail,
And I am the greatest man who ever set sail,
On the Sea of Invention, and it is my intention,
To improve any idea or device you can mention;
A boat with paddles, life preserver, tin pen,
I bring divine wisdom for the good of all men”.
As I laughed at his back, I believed him of course;
That madman on his dandy mechanical horse.
The horse groaned and grunted, as it fought the rough ground;
The man pushed and pulled, and sweated off pounds;
While the people threw mud, and jeered and swore;
Until their shoulders and throats were aching and raw.
The man persevered, unheeding their jibes;
As if they were the ones along for the ride:
He turned to the crowd, defying their joke;
And I bring to you now the words that he spoke:
“This is the Northumberland Eagle Mail,
And I am the greatest man, who ever set sail,
On Invention’s Great Ocean, and I have a notion,
To set the whole world in Perpetual Motion:
All others are wrong, so I must be right;
My philosophies sent by God in the night.”
As I laughed at his back, I believed him of course;
That madman on his dandy mechanical horse;
That madman on his dandy mechanical horse.
Well I’d pelted and mocked, along with the rest,
This fool who’d claimed his safety lamp was the best;
But through the mud a wise glint I did spy;
There’s more to this man than at first meets the eye.
He may be no great inventor or poet,
But he’s still someone special and you people should know it:
Don’t tease him, don’t taunt him, and don’t scorn his sooth;
This man is only in search of the truth.
“This is the Northumberland Eagle Mail,
And I am the greatest man, who ever set sail,
On Invention’s deep sea, and I’m sure you’ll agree,
That God has entrusted his genius in me;
So all learned humbugs, know your station:
I’m the philosophical conqueror of all nations.”
As I laughed at his back, I believed him of course;
That madman on his dandy mechanical horse;
That madman on his dandy mechanical horse;
That madman on his dandy mechanical horse.
(Lyrics & Music: Gary Miller)
© 2017 Whippet Records
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